July 2010
1 post
Fart Smart
Corn Question
A certain friend of mine, who we’ll call my schmister, Schmisten, has a tiny issue with corn in her poop. She claims she can’t eat corn because she doesn’t digest it at all, as she always finds it in tact in her poop. I know this a common occurrence, but I have not seen a single kernel of corn in my poop in at least three years now. It is because I chew my food. I take my...
How To Go From One to Tan
Being unemployed works wonders for your tan.
A Hint About Dating
Don’t ask a girl out on a social networking site…especially on their page, which is visible to everyone..especially when you didn’t stand a chance to begin with!! The conversation went as follows (paraphased):
Boy: I got to text you at 3 in the morning last night. Be jealous, other dudes.
Me: Glad YOUR DATE went well. As in date with another girl who was not by any stretch...
The "You Don't Want This Job" Interview
Ok…I don’t expect any job to be easy or fun. That’s why it’s a job instead of a hobby. So why is it that interviewers always feel the need to tell you how hard the job is going to be and how much you’re going to hate your life if you are hired? I’m here cause I need money, so give me the damn job and save the lecture for your children.
June 2009
9 posts
1 tag
T-Shirt Sheets Suck
OK. I hate t-shirt sheets. First off, they’re stretchy!! Why on earth would I want stretchy sheets? So my toes can get snagged in them while I’m trying to get comfortable? No thanks. Why do they even call them t-shirt sheets? It’s jersey material. Call it jersey material! Besides, I sure don’t have any t-shirts that are anywhere near as stretchy as those damned sheets are. I think this...
The Martinez-Milan Issue
For the past 8 years or so, my dream date would have been with Tino Martinez. Lately, someone else has been giving good ol’ 24 a run for his money. Who is the new stud you ask? Cesar Milan. I love him!! He’s a magician, a wizard, the pack leader. Now, the looks don’t play in for Cesar, so Tino is safe on base for now…but he’d better watch the third baseman ‘cause it’s going to be a close...
Apple or Lemon?
I’ve noticed that when I purchase cleaning supplies, I always get excited when I see green apple and immediately choose that product. I have also noticed that my friends’ apartments are full of green apple cleaning products as well. Lysol, dish soap, always green apple. I think green apple : our generation :: lemon : our parent’s generation.
Boycott the dot
Everyone is familiar with old navy sandals. 2 for $5, or if you’re smart enough to avoid that trap of theirs, $2.50 per pair. That right, it’s not a special price if you buy two, they just trick you into it.
Now, if you are a true connoisseur of their flip flops, as I am, you have noticed the terrible mistake they made last year. They switched from their standard, smooth surface to a fancy,...
Dear fingermath,
You got me through college. No really, I use you every day.
1 tag
Spiders' machetes
I was being lazy the other night and clipped my toenails on the edge of my bed. Then got up to get the garbage can, apparently got sidetracked, and forgot about the 20 spider-sized machetes I left scattered in my sleep sanctuary. Well, needless to say, I laid down and had the grossest experience of my life. Terrible.
1 tag
WatchYou bimbo!!
WatchThis one’s for you, Nell.
May 2009
14 posts
Lily-Livered Knee
Being hurt would suck so much worse if I didn’t have beautiful lilies, roses, and carnations to look at!!
Unqualified
Searching for jobs just reminds me how unqualified I am for so many different things. Apparently, phlebotomists are in high demand these days.
Cantaloupe vs. Honeydew
Hands down, cantaloupe. No contest. But watermelon kicks both of their asses.
Not so Slim, Not such a Goodbody
Why am I the only person who remembers Slim Goodbody’s gross nemesis? He had long, curly hair, rotting teeth, bugs living under his long, unmanicured fingernails, and he even pushed a shopping cart!! He symbolized everything you would be if you didn’t follow Slim’s advice.
After numerous hours of painstaking research, I had found that his name is Hairy T. Sludge....
Board Certification
So apparently, I only go to doctors who are not board certified. What does that mean? They still have their licenses, right? Did they not pay their dues? Are they just too cool for the board? I’m confused.
1 tag
Laz D "ocks" →
He’s my new favoite. Not only can he switch musical genes like Mala Hooch can batting sides, but he also is an anti-R poteste. In hono of Laz D, I omitted all Rs fom this post.
Say "Hi" to your Knee
Hiney!!
1 tag
Real Housewives
I can’t get enough. I’m not particularly a fan of New York but I love the other ones. The best part of it is looking up the ladies online…they all have such shady pasts.
Scoop = the new measurement
Is the scoop an actual measurement like a bushel? I think Raisin Bran has been pulling the wool over our eyes for years. I have no idea how much one scoop equals, yet I still love it because it has 2 whole scoops of raisins per box!! That being said, I just got a shitload of raisins in my last bowl.
This is about...NOTHIIIIIIN →
Library Fouls
Which library foul is more foul?
The guy farting loudly for all to hear or the kid picking his nose and then touching the keyboard??
Jamba Juice Judgement
I experienced Jamba Juice for the first time this weekend. I have to start out by explaining that I am not a smoothie fan…they fall into the same category as pie for me: something I expect to be sweet and delicious, but it falls way short on the sugar quotient, leaving me disappointed. Well, I went for the Peanut Butter Moo’d and it was amazing!! Each sip left me pondering which...
1 tag
