It’s so silly how cute Jelly looks when I’m trying to get work done.

A certain friend of mine, who we’ll call my schmister, Schmisten, has a tiny issue with corn in her poop.  She claims she can’t eat corn because she doesn’t digest it at all, as she always finds it in tact in her poop.  I know this a common occurrence, but I have not seen a single kernel of corn in my poop in at least three years now.  It is because I chew my food.  I take my time, as nature intended it, and therefore, don’t have a corn-poop problem.  Would somebody please explain to her that chewing is a natural thing?

Being unemployed works wonders for your tan.

Don’t ask a girl out on a social networking site…especially on their page, which is visible to everyone..especially when you didn’t stand a chance to begin with!!  The conversation went as follows (paraphased):

Boy: I got to text you at 3 in the morning last night.  Be jealous, other dudes.

Me: Glad YOUR DATE went well.  As in date with another girl who was not by any stretch of the imagination myself.

Boy: No you’re not.  Cause you want my balls.  When is our date?

Me: *conversation deleted*  Inferred: That “conversation” was the closest you’ll ever come to a date with me.  And now, no other dudes can see what you thought was bragging but was really me trying to not be a bitch.  Thanks for pushing me over that line.

Ok…I don’t expect any job to be easy or fun.  That’s why it’s a job instead of a hobby.  So why is it that interviewers always feel the need to tell you how hard the job is going to be and how much you’re going to hate your life if you are hired?  I’m here cause I need money, so give me the damn job and save the lecture for your children.

OK.  I hate t-shirt sheets.  First off, they’re stretchy!!  Why on earth would I want stretchy sheets?  So my toes can get snagged in them while I’m trying to get comfortable?  No thanks.  Why do they even call them t-shirt sheets?  It’s jersey material.  Call it jersey material!  Besides, I sure don’t have any t-shirts that are anywhere near as stretchy as those damned sheets are.  I think this falls into the “things people like only because they’re a crazy new idea” category.

For the past 8 years or so, my dream date would have been with Tino Martinez.  Lately, someone else has been giving good ol’ 24 a run for his money.  Who is the new stud you ask?  Cesar Milan.  I love him!!  He’s a magician, a wizard, the pack leader.  Now, the looks don’t play in for Cesar, so Tino is safe on base for now…but he’d better watch the third baseman ‘cause it’s going to be a close call rounding home plate.  P.S., what’s with the Latinos?  So not my thing.

I’ve noticed that when I purchase cleaning supplies, I always get excited when I see green apple and immediately choose that product.  I have also noticed that my friends’ apartments are full of green apple cleaning products as well.  Lysol, dish soap, always green apple.  I think green apple : our generation ::  lemon : our parent’s generation.

Everyone is familiar with old navy sandals.  2 for $5, or if you’re smart enough to avoid that trap of theirs, $2.50 per pair.  That right, it’s not a special price if you buy two, they just trick you into it. 

Now, if you are a true connoisseur of their flip flops, as I am, you have noticed the terrible mistake they made last year.  They switched from their standard, smooth surface to a fancy, dotted pattern.  What crap!!  I hate the dots.  I was hoping that this year would yield a throw-back to the retro style, but alas, no.  Same stupid dots.  I’m pissed.  Yet I still buy them.  They win.

You got me through college.  No really, I use you every day.

I was being lazy the other night and clipped my toenails on the edge of my bed.  Then got up to get the garbage can, apparently got sidetracked, and forgot about the 20 spider-sized machetes I left scattered in my sleep sanctuary.  Well, needless to say, I laid down and had the grossest experience of my life.  Terrible.

Insta-motts.

You bimbo!!

This one’s for you, Nell.